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Dark Magic for Dummies: Chapter 1

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Dark Magic for Dummies: Chapter 1

Postby HeartOfDarkness » Sat Aug 04, 2007 12:15 am

Chapter 1: Getting started.

Dark Magic, contrary to popular belief, is not all pentagrams and puffs of smoke. While such nonsense is usefull for intimidating novices, it will only get you laughed at if you seriously attempt using it in magic. Instead, you will need a few simple things:

-Extensive knowledge of Dark Sorcery. Because so much could go wrong, it is crucial to know everything there is to know about Dark Magic before attempting even the most mundane of spells. Say, for instance, you mispronounced a vowel in a thirteen syllable curse and summoned a giant aardvark. At the moment, culture has not placed much importance on the particulars of giant aardvarks, so you will need to prepare for it by researching and memorizing everything there is to know about anything that could ever possibly be associated with Dark Sorcery.

-A soul. Many advanced curses (not to mention acheiving longevity enough to memorize almost everything there is to know about anything) require relenquishing your soul to eternal tormet, a drawback that tends to put off many aspiring students. Such a thing can easily be avoided by the use of a different soul, usually acheived through trickery. If you cannot find a soul, you can purchase one for very reasonable prices on eBay.

-A magical conductor. All the magic in the world cannot help you if you do not have something through which you can conduct magic. Advanced sorcerers are able to enchant their hands, or even use telekenesis, but beginners require a strong magical conductor, preferably one with magic of its own. Many choose magical staffs, as such things are curiously prolific in any magical area, though some will use crystal orbs, weapons, or even rather stylish magical hats. Often you will develop a fondness for your chosen artifact and keep it well into your days of sorcery, so choose wisely.

-A menacing appearence. The importance of maintaining a good public figure is greater than many expect.

-Evil, obsequious lackeys. Somebody has to do the mundane things like infiltrating enemy governments and making sandwiches.

-Legions of Doom. You can never have enough Legions of Doom.

-A large fortress from which you can hatch evil schemes and construct elaborate enchantments. A common mistake is abandoning strength and security for intimidation factor. Fortresses built near active volcanoes, though sure to ward off the casual passerby, have a tendency to collapse for no good structural reason whenever you are defeated.

The things listed above, while helpfull, will not help you if you are not totally evil and bent on the destrucion of civilization. If you are not, please abandon this book and take a long walk off a short cliff.


Stay tuned for chapter two!
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Postby Prince Imdol » Sat Aug 04, 2007 7:00 pm

Interesting. This is a little confusing, but funny as well.


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Postby smcginnis » Sun Aug 05, 2007 5:25 pm

This, and the introduction, are really funny, and really great. I'm looking forward to more.

~smcginnis
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Postby Tower of Iron Will » Wed Sep 05, 2007 7:43 pm

Good for a few chuckles. Great start!
-Tower
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Postby Lord Tyler II » Tue Sep 25, 2007 1:26 pm

Ha ha! Buy a soul on ebay! To funny!
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Postby Danielas » Fri Mar 21, 2008 4:39 pm

thats funny i like the part about the aardvark i can't wait for part two
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Postby FirebenderDude2 » Sat Mar 22, 2008 11:27 pm

Really good! :D I like the "buying a soul on eBay" thing to! :lol:
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Postby Bandit » Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:39 pm

Very helpful, indeed. Now I know that I shouldn't build evil fortresses near volcanoes.
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Postby Robin Hood » Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:19 am

Very informative, and excellently written. I await Chapter 2 with great anticipation. In the mean while I must get more Legions of Doom.

Dan :wink:
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Postby Voran_the_Scholar » Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:45 pm

Hmm...is it possible for there to be a short cliff?

Lovin' it. Eagerly awaiting Chapter 2, I am!

God bless.

Tom
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Re: Dark Magic for Dummies: Chapter 1

Postby LORD DOOM » Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:05 am

HeartOfDarkness wrote:-Legions of Doom. You can never have enough Legions of Doom.


Indeed. :wink:
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Postby Muskey15 » Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:33 pm

Very funny! Can't wait to see chapter two!

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Postby Blue Moon Knight » Sat Oct 11, 2008 5:18 am

One woman actually sold her soul on Ebay...
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Re: Dark Magic for Dummies: Chapter 1

Postby deathdog1 » Sat Oct 11, 2008 12:37 pm

-A soul. Many advanced curses (not to mention acheiving longevity enough to memorize almost everything there is to know about anything) require relenquishing your soul to eternal tormet, a drawback that tends to put off many aspiring students. Such a thing can easily be avoided by the use of a different soul, usually acheived through trickery. If you cannot find a soul, you can purchase one for very reasonable prices on eBay.

You can get plenty of soul from a Temptations record. We recommend "Just My Imagination" or "Ball of Confusion."

Dang, I've gotta figure out how to do this quote thing correctly.
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Re:

Postby friskywhiskers » Sun Jan 03, 2010 2:29 pm

Tower of Iron Will wrote:Good for a few chuckles. Great start!
-Tower



Couldn`t have said it better my self!
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