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A Passage

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A Passage

Postby Prince Imdol » Wed Apr 09, 2008 2:32 am

An excerpt from an unknown. Written by me.

The castle, tall and impenetrable sat on the edge of a rock just overlooking the ocean. None could be heard save the gentle lapse of ice edged waves smashing against the sharp edged rocks. The thick darkness enveloped the shoreline, causing the hooded rider to slow his horse to a trot. Then after a couple of feet, the rider pulled on the reins of the horse and slowed to a stop. Just in front of the rider was the castle. However, the rider did not lead his horse up the the stone causeway. He turned his horse around and his eyes scanned the ominous forest.

"YAH!" he cried and his horse galloped at full speed on a road running along the shoreline. His horse was fast, but just out of the trees came two more riders, also galloping at full speed. The storm just over their area was dumping heavy rain upon them as if all the water of the ocean was in the clouds. The first man did not hesitate at all. He unsheathed his curved sword, and put his shield over his back, but still kept galloping at full speed.

The two perusing riders each drew their swords, and charged at their fastest speed on their black horses. Their horses were faster than that of the lone rider, but he was by far the more skilled swordsman. The moment they caught up with the hooded rider, he whirled his sword through the air, and knocked theirs onto the wet ground. As soon as each rider was weaponless, he continued on in a slower gallop, but still hastily.

Slowly, the heavy rain came down to light droplets, and settled to a drizzle. The gates of the northern wall were just over the rolling hills. His mission was almost complete.

P.I
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"Sow a thought, reap an action;
Sow an action, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny"

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Postby Voran_the_Scholar » Thu Apr 10, 2008 2:28 am

Needs a little work, but a good start.
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Postby Prince Imdol » Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:22 am

It would be nice if you told me what I could work on.

Description?
Spelling?
Grammar?


P.I
Thomas C.
"Sow a thought, reap an action;
Sow an action, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny"

"Don't let school interfere with your education."-Huckleberry Finn
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Postby Voran_the_Scholar » Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:02 pm

True. My apologies. *re-reads* Hmm...grammar needs work, and you are a little wordy in my opinion. There's some mild punctuation problems, but nothing major. I'll PM you with more specific details if you want.
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Postby Prince Imdol » Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:38 pm

Wordy, really.

Well, I always liked wordy books, but I guess it depends on what you read, and what you like.

However, I know when I make spelling/all other crap mistakes. I just don't know how to fix them. So to other commenter's, please don't rant on about mechanics. I will learn them as a go. I'm not even in high school yet....

I would prefer on comments to help me as to perfect my writing.


P.I
Thomas C.
"Sow a thought, reap an action;
Sow an action, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny"

"Don't let school interfere with your education."-Huckleberry Finn
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Postby Voran_the_Scholar » Thu Apr 10, 2008 5:49 pm

Prince Imdol wrote:
I would prefer on comments to help me as to perfect my writing.


P.I


That is what I'm trying to do...
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Postby Prince Imdol » Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:24 pm

That is why I directed my comment toward "to other commenter's".
Sorry for the miss understanding.



P.I :wink:
Thomas C.
"Sow a thought, reap an action;
Sow an action, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny"

"Don't let school interfere with your education."-Huckleberry Finn
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Postby Quickblade22 » Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:54 pm

Hello. I am an "other commenter" :P Actually, I saw this earlier and didn't get a chance to lay some constructive criticism before you responded to Voran. First of all I will say this, you have improved from a year ago. :wink: This could just be a "style" critique, but I think you should have mentioned that it was raining in the first 2 sentences to give the mood more feeling. You say that nothing could be heard but the waves, but heavy rain also has a sound that adds to the mood. Also, it just seems confusing to mention the castle being in front of him, but then he turns and heads the other way. The riders that come out to challenge him don't have much of a point to them either. I realise that this is just an excerpt, but sometimes the action you get to needs to have a better or longer build up to it. I like the attempts to draw in the reader with setting descriptions. It's if I can see you writing this with the ideas in your head going faster than your fingers can type. At least you put stuff out there instead of letting it stagnate until you're completely satisfied with it.
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Postby Prince Imdol » Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:25 pm

Wow, thanks!

I never noticed that I contradicted myself. Well, thanks for pointing that.

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Thomas C.
"Sow a thought, reap an action;
Sow an action, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny"

"Don't let school interfere with your education."-Huckleberry Finn
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Postby Voran_the_Scholar » Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:36 pm

Prince Imdol wrote:That is why I directed my comment toward "to other commenter's".
Sorry for the miss understanding.



P.I :wink:


It's no problem. Sorry I misunderstood.

And quickblade pretty much said it all.

Voran...
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Postby Bandit » Thu Jun 19, 2008 4:05 pm

That would be a good beginning for a movie. It's just to vivid to read, it has to be shown!
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