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A poem I wrote

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A poem I wrote

Postby Shadow » Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:25 pm

Castle life can get boring from time to time with nothing to do.... so I have writen a poem about the war of 1392.

The battle was fought on an open field,
Where the blood of many was shed,
The metallic clang of sword against shield
Filled the hearts of the soldiers with dread,

The beat of their pulse increased,
As they valiantly charged at their foe,
The forces of kingdoms released,
The tension continued to grow.

A hail of arrows greeted the men,
As they charge up the hill to their death,
The first drop of blood was shed, when
The first soldier took his last breath.

The cacophony of the melee was heard,
As the two opposing armies clashed,
The action of it all was blurred,
When the front line of the forces were smashed.

Sword against shield they fought till they dropped,
When their energy ceased to exist,
When the gates of heaven appeared,
Or the fiery flames of the abyss.

The King could be head above the noise,
Rallying his men to fight,
“Charge my men, charge my boys,
They won’t last through the night!”

A single arrow then struck his chest,
Slumping him over his steed,
Blood freely gushed from the wound in his breast,
To die at this time of need.

His attendants rushed forward to their lord,
But the king was already dead,
The cry of ‘surrender’ sounded above the horde,
As his death was confirmed with dread.

The battle was fought on an open field,
Where the blood of many was shed,
The sound of sword against shield,
Was useless since the king was dead.


Tell me what you think kind sirs.
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Postby Graynar » Fri Sep 30, 2005 4:36 pm

Hmm, very good.

This is quite proffesional, I'm impressed. Now you need to make a LEGO set to go with it. :wink:

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Postby Rosh.Gonff » Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:23 pm

Not bad, but i find the tempo to be off a bit by too many sylabbles in some lines. i do know a bit about poetry having written the Epic of Olafur Valgeir Thorrson, and although i already had my rhythem planned out for me by the origanal song i still had to write to the correct tempo. so i think (i might be wrong) that yours needs less sylabbles in some places. Are you going to ilustrait it in lego?
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Postby Nick » Fri Sep 30, 2005 9:19 pm

I like your poem very much, and I can't spot the inconsistencies that Rosh had spotted. That's probably because I don't really know much about poetry. But I really liked your poem; it had many neat and concise comparisons, oppositions and other poetical nuances. It would be good if you'd make some Lego illustrations for the poem.
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Postby Rosh.Gonff » Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:13 pm

Just to let you know shadow im not trying to critisize you poem. i think it's quite good, im jsut refferring to things such as this:

His attendants rushed forward to their lord,
But the king was already dead,
The cry of ‘surrender’ sounded above the horde,
As his death was confirmed with dread.


in these two lines that ryhme:

But the king was already dead,


and

As his death was confirmed with dread.


are uneven in their sylabbles

But the king was already dead= 7 sylabbles
As his death was confirmed with dread= 9 sylabbles

Not big problems they dont really change the song much.
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Postby ottoatm » Sat Oct 01, 2005 12:56 am

Hmm....

I didn't notice the sylabbles were uneven, but I guess it is a good point - still, I don't think it really damages the poem. This is pretty well done - I wonder how long it took you? Any particular reason why you chose this theme (other than taking a break from castle)?
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Postby Shadow » Sat Oct 01, 2005 2:03 am

Yeah thanks Gonff... (I actually love Redwall and Mossflower is my favorite bok)

That last stanza I had some trouble with... but in all I had some fun writing about my latest fad :D

It took me about 20 minutes... I wanted to describe the heat of the battle and the exilleration. Also, as they say in the movie 'Devils Own' 'Happy endings only happen in America.'
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Postby Rosh.Gonff » Sat Oct 01, 2005 2:33 am

ooooooo cool you like Redwall. Gonff is the best but i like martin too as well as somes hares such as Basil and Rosie woodsorel. i really like mossflower and lord brocktree is my 2nd favorite... dotti just owns and king bucko. well glad to have found a fellow Redwall lover :D
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Postby Shadow » Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:28 pm

The Redwall books are pretty popular for their adventure and action. I have pretty much grown out of reading them over and over... but every once in a while I'll pull one out of my collection and savore its story.

Actually, I don't have a favorite Redwall book, since they're all first class.
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Postby Rosh.Gonff » Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:51 pm

well in my opinion they arent all first class.. i dont like marlfox or mattemeo very much. well i've only read each one 1 tiem and im starting on them a second time... so im not quite bored of htem yet. I still like LOTR better
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Postby Maedhros » Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:54 pm

Another Redwall fan adds his voice to the chorus:

I think I like Salamandastron the best...

Anyway, isn´t this very off-topic?

And maybe someone should try to do some Redwall-MOCs, that would be very different. Could be cool.
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Postby Shadow » Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:04 pm

I don't think that Redwall is off topic since its very much in a castle setting.

I would love to see someone do Redwall Abbey... or Salamandastron.
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Postby Azaghal » Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:40 pm

I think his point was that Redwall wasn't the original point of this post - it was something about a poem. :twisted:

Just kidding, it was very enjoyable, if somewhat melancholy at the end...

PS My favorite Redwall book is The Long Patrol.
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Postby Rosh.Gonff » Sat Oct 01, 2005 11:09 pm

http://www.brickshelf.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?f=126758
a few of my redwall creatures all of the heads made with sculpey, i think i posted them somtime here but you might not of seen them. Yes Salamandastron is one of my favorites, my order of favorites goes: Mossflower, Lord Brocktree and Salamandastron are on equal terms. Pearls of Lutra is pretty good. I make tails for my creatures by cutting them off of real lego mice and then glueing them to a scrap of lego cape and stick the material between their torso and legs... it works really well
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Postby Maedhros » Sun Oct 02, 2005 8:36 am

Those are pretty cool, I especially like the weasel.
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