A poem I wrote
- Shadow
- Squire
- Posts: 661
- Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 10:47 pm
- Location: Western North Carolina: The Land of my (the) Lego
A poem I wrote
Castle life can get boring from time to time with nothing to do.... so I have writen a poem about the war of 1392.
The battle was fought on an open field,
Where the blood of many was shed,
The metallic clang of sword against shield
Filled the hearts of the soldiers with dread,
The beat of their pulse increased,
As they valiantly charged at their foe,
The forces of kingdoms released,
The tension continued to grow.
A hail of arrows greeted the men,
As they charge up the hill to their death,
The first drop of blood was shed, when
The first soldier took his last breath.
The cacophony of the melee was heard,
As the two opposing armies clashed,
The action of it all was blurred,
When the front line of the forces were smashed.
Sword against shield they fought till they dropped,
When their energy ceased to exist,
When the gates of heaven appeared,
Or the fiery flames of the abyss.
The King could be head above the noise,
Rallying his men to fight,
“Charge my men, charge my boys,
They won’t last through the night!”
A single arrow then struck his chest,
Slumping him over his steed,
Blood freely gushed from the wound in his breast,
To die at this time of need.
His attendants rushed forward to their lord,
But the king was already dead,
The cry of ‘surrender’ sounded above the horde,
As his death was confirmed with dread.
The battle was fought on an open field,
Where the blood of many was shed,
The sound of sword against shield,
Was useless since the king was dead.
Tell me what you think kind sirs.
The battle was fought on an open field,
Where the blood of many was shed,
The metallic clang of sword against shield
Filled the hearts of the soldiers with dread,
The beat of their pulse increased,
As they valiantly charged at their foe,
The forces of kingdoms released,
The tension continued to grow.
A hail of arrows greeted the men,
As they charge up the hill to their death,
The first drop of blood was shed, when
The first soldier took his last breath.
The cacophony of the melee was heard,
As the two opposing armies clashed,
The action of it all was blurred,
When the front line of the forces were smashed.
Sword against shield they fought till they dropped,
When their energy ceased to exist,
When the gates of heaven appeared,
Or the fiery flames of the abyss.
The King could be head above the noise,
Rallying his men to fight,
“Charge my men, charge my boys,
They won’t last through the night!”
A single arrow then struck his chest,
Slumping him over his steed,
Blood freely gushed from the wound in his breast,
To die at this time of need.
His attendants rushed forward to their lord,
But the king was already dead,
The cry of ‘surrender’ sounded above the horde,
As his death was confirmed with dread.
The battle was fought on an open field,
Where the blood of many was shed,
The sound of sword against shield,
Was useless since the king was dead.
Tell me what you think kind sirs.
Respectfully submitted,
Shadow
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Shadow
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- Rosh.Gonff
- Apprentice
- Posts: 193
- Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2005 4:23 pm
Not bad, but i find the tempo to be off a bit by too many sylabbles in some lines. i do know a bit about poetry having written the Epic of Olafur Valgeir Thorrson, and although i already had my rhythem planned out for me by the origanal song i still had to write to the correct tempo. so i think (i might be wrong) that yours needs less sylabbles in some places. Are you going to ilustrait it in lego?
Gonff Prince of Mousethieves
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
I like your poem very much, and I can't spot the inconsistencies that Rosh had spotted. That's probably because I don't really know much about poetry. But I really liked your poem; it had many neat and concise comparisons, oppositions and other poetical nuances. It would be good if you'd make some Lego illustrations for the poem.
- Rosh.Gonff
- Apprentice
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Just to let you know shadow im not trying to critisize you poem. i think it's quite good, im jsut refferring to things such as this:
in these two lines that ryhme:
and
But the king was already dead= 7 sylabbles
As his death was confirmed with dread= 9 sylabbles
Not big problems they dont really change the song much.
His attendants rushed forward to their lord,
But the king was already dead,
The cry of ‘surrender’ sounded above the horde,
As his death was confirmed with dread.
in these two lines that ryhme:
But the king was already dead,
and
are uneven in their sylabblesAs his death was confirmed with dread.
But the king was already dead= 7 sylabbles
As his death was confirmed with dread= 9 sylabbles
Not big problems they dont really change the song much.
Gonff Prince of Mousethieves
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
Hmm....
I didn't notice the sylabbles were uneven, but I guess it is a good point - still, I don't think it really damages the poem. This is pretty well done - I wonder how long it took you? Any particular reason why you chose this theme (other than taking a break from castle)?
I didn't notice the sylabbles were uneven, but I guess it is a good point - still, I don't think it really damages the poem. This is pretty well done - I wonder how long it took you? Any particular reason why you chose this theme (other than taking a break from castle)?
Knight Templar
n. pl. Knights Templars or Knights Templar
1.A member of an order of knights founded about 1118 to protect pilgrims in the Holy Land during the Second Crusade.
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n. pl. Knights Templars or Knights Templar
1.A member of an order of knights founded about 1118 to protect pilgrims in the Holy Land during the Second Crusade.
[url=http://legelot.50webs.com/mainPages/myStory.html]My Lego Stories: The Land of Legelot![/url]
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- Shadow
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Yeah thanks Gonff... (I actually love Redwall and Mossflower is my favorite bok)
That last stanza I had some trouble with... but in all I had some fun writing about my latest fad
It took me about 20 minutes... I wanted to describe the heat of the battle and the exilleration. Also, as they say in the movie 'Devils Own' 'Happy endings only happen in America.'
That last stanza I had some trouble with... but in all I had some fun writing about my latest fad
It took me about 20 minutes... I wanted to describe the heat of the battle and the exilleration. Also, as they say in the movie 'Devils Own' 'Happy endings only happen in America.'
Respectfully submitted,
Shadow
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- Rosh.Gonff
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ooooooo cool you like Redwall. Gonff is the best but i like martin too as well as somes hares such as Basil and Rosie woodsorel. i really like mossflower and lord brocktree is my 2nd favorite... dotti just owns and king bucko. well glad to have found a fellow Redwall lover
Gonff Prince of Mousethieves
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
- Shadow
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The Redwall books are pretty popular for their adventure and action. I have pretty much grown out of reading them over and over... but every once in a while I'll pull one out of my collection and savore its story.
Actually, I don't have a favorite Redwall book, since they're all first class.
Actually, I don't have a favorite Redwall book, since they're all first class.
Respectfully submitted,
Shadow
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Shadow
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- Rosh.Gonff
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well in my opinion they arent all first class.. i dont like marlfox or mattemeo very much. well i've only read each one 1 tiem and im starting on them a second time... so im not quite bored of htem yet. I still like LOTR better
Gonff Prince of Mousethieves
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
- Maedhros
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Another Redwall fan adds his voice to the chorus:
I think I like Salamandastron the best...
Anyway, isn´t this very off-topic?
And maybe someone should try to do some Redwall-MOCs, that would be very different. Could be cool.
I think I like Salamandastron the best...
Anyway, isn´t this very off-topic?
And maybe someone should try to do some Redwall-MOCs, that would be very different. Could be cool.
"Hinc satis elucet maiorem habere uim ad discenda ista liberam curiositatem quam meticulosam necessitatem.”
- Augustinus Hipponensis
- Augustinus Hipponensis
- Shadow
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I don't think that Redwall is off topic since its very much in a castle setting.
I would love to see someone do Redwall Abbey... or Salamandastron.
I would love to see someone do Redwall Abbey... or Salamandastron.
Respectfully submitted,
Shadow
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Shadow
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- Rosh.Gonff
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a few of my redwall creatures all of the heads made with sculpey, i think i posted them somtime here but you might not of seen them. Yes Salamandastron is one of my favorites, my order of favorites goes: Mossflower, Lord Brocktree and Salamandastron are on equal terms. Pearls of Lutra is pretty good. I make tails for my creatures by cutting them off of real lego mice and then glueing them to a scrap of lego cape and stick the material between their torso and legs... it works really well
a few of my redwall creatures all of the heads made with sculpey, i think i posted them somtime here but you might not of seen them. Yes Salamandastron is one of my favorites, my order of favorites goes: Mossflower, Lord Brocktree and Salamandastron are on equal terms. Pearls of Lutra is pretty good. I make tails for my creatures by cutting them off of real lego mice and then glueing them to a scrap of lego cape and stick the material between their torso and legs... it works really well
Gonff Prince of Mousethieves
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you
You say you will fight to the last man. I have more last men then you