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Classic-Castle Roleplay Planning: May 2005

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Postby Formendacil » Wed May 18, 2005 9:44 pm

Can't check in for a day, and everything goes nuts!!!

Welcome aboard, Mr. Sava. I hope you manage to be more than a token presence, and I really hope that you, uh, adhere to the rules, because that would be really... awkward, otherwise. :wink:

Sorry to see you go, LEGO-las. Enjoy your life!

I'll be watching for that "great addition", Sir Dillon. I will hold you to your word!

Sir Kohran: it was never my intention to become the CCRP editorial critic, but I'll give it another shot in a little while. Got to actually read up first...
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Postby TheOrk » Wed May 18, 2005 10:03 pm

Sir Dillon wrote:Welcome Mr. Sava! :D I'm sure you'll make a great addition to the RP.

Sorry I haven't posted much of late guys, hopefully I'll post more when school is finally done.


Thats everyone's problem including mine. School, everyone I asked says they have exams :?
O well.
Welcome again Tony!
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Postby Formendacil » Wed May 18, 2005 10:43 pm

Okay, Dr. Formendacil's post clinic is open for the day. First patient, please...

Sir Kohran wrote:First post!

N-15
Location: Castle of Morcia gates


Excellent start, you have the grid and location present. I assume that you've cross-checked with Sir Dillon's posts to ensure that Morcia is in the same location as before?

*Doublechecks* All clear!

Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus Van Hawkonus took a deep breath, as he took his first footstep outside of the Castle of Morcia in a full six years. Under the Castle’s shadow, beneath his boot, he felt a firm stone pathway, with some bold grass blades jutting out from beneath the cracks.


Is Jaythus a knight? As far as know, you have given no indication that he is. From what you have written, he would appear not to be. If that is the case, all is well. If he is SUPPOSED to be a knight (and being an ambassador and the son of a knight, it might be expected), then you should make that clear from the outset.

Now, about the logic of not having seen grass in six years, I wonder about that. Are you saying that he never ONCE stepped outside the castle gates? That there is absolutely NO grass in the castle? Either you should explain that there is no grass in Morcia castle, and that the people there are kept like slaves so that they can never leave, or else modify your wording here.

Sir Kohran wrote:He stopped, wondering for a second, when the last time he had seen grass was. He concluded it must have been when he last looked out of the windows, but then he quickly dismissed the thought. Still, it hung in his head, prompting him to think, Has it really been this long? Surely, I can't have forgotten what grass is. he thought to himself. It's about time I got out of this place... he continued. He placed a mailed hand on the stone Castle wall beside him, though he was not sure why. He thought back to the days when he was just a young boy, running and playing in the fields of Alendan with his sister and friends, under the supervision of his watchful father, where there was only greenery to be seen, with vast forests decorating snow-capped mountains. Then he had been sent to


The whole paragraph is backstory, which is fine, and a discussion of grass, which is intricately tied to the previous paragraph. It stands on its own well enough, and there's not much to criticise with that.

The end of the paragraph, however, is where Jaythus' thoughts break off. You should have end with either a dask ( - ), or else three periods ( ... ), to signify that his thoughts are trailing off or being interrupted.

Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus was jolted out of his dream world by a stable boy bringing up a dull white horse from the shadows of the gates. But it was who that was with that startled Jaythus more.


I wonder if "dream world" is necessary. "Dream" alone might do just as well. It's more tight that way (although that's more of a personal preference than anything major).

The final sentence here is also a little awkward. Perhaps you're missing a word.

*Checks*

No, it would appear to be too many pronouns or something. I'll rewrite it.
But the man who was with the horse startled Jayko even more.

I hope it's relatively clear from the rewrite what I am talking about. In your sentence, it is somewhat convoluted. As a general rule, if the sentence seems impossible to say out loud, it's hard to understand written. Also, in your writing, it says that the man with the horse startled Jaythus even more, but this has never been led up to. Hence, your use of the word "but" is awkward.

Sir Kohran wrote:A hulking giant of a man came striding out, ducking his head under the archway of the gates as he came out. The knight was not handsome, but had a bearded face with glossy black hair. He was clad in fierce red armour, with a massive blue sword and a red tower shield (embossed with a roaring bear) slung across his back. His voice was deep and hearty as he greeted Jaythus.


A good paragraph, nicely descriptive. Not really anything to say. It gives us an immediate idea of Santis' character.

Sir Kohran wrote:"Well well, Jaythus Van Hawkonus, haven't you grown, going from a little pageboy to Ambassador Of The Eastern Knights' Kingdom, clad in full Talonjay armour, with the sword of the King!"


Apart from saying that there ought to be a comma between the two "well"s, the only thing I have to say concerns "the sword of the King". I assume that this just means that Jaythus now has a certain rank in the king's service, not that he actually has the actual king's sword. All the same, it is a bit confusing, and should possibly be cleared up.

Sir Kohran wrote:"Um, hello, Sir Rufusclaw!" Jaythus stammered, as the huge knight towered over him. Giving a big chuckle, the Knight answered.

“Here, lad, call me Santis. I can’t stand all those courtiers calling me Rufusclaw. It gets on my nerves.”


This paragraph works fine. No problems. It might be a bit confusing to have Santis and Rufusclaw for the same fellow. Perhaps it would be possible to work "Sir Santis Rufusclaw", or whatever the proper form is, in somewhere.

Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus tried not to think about those who got on Santis’s nerves.

The pageboy spoke up.

“Here, Sirs, are your horses.”


Just a slight quibble about the use of "Sirs" here. Is Jaythus a knight? Once again, this becomes a slight issue. If Jaythus IS a knight, then the capitalized Sirs, indicating two knights, is correct. If he is not a knight, then it should be "sirs", since the pageboy is merely referring to two men above his station.

Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus’s horse was the dull white one, whilst Santis’s was a huge specimen of horses; a gigantic brown steed with a shaggy mane. Santis mounted his horse easily. Jaythus followed, but his was certainly harder to mount. Here I am, leaving my home forever, and I can’t even mount my own horse…


"huge specimen of horses" should be "a huge specimen of a horse". Also, you don't say WHY Jayko's horse is harder to mount. Is he less experienced than Santis? Is his horse more skittish? Or what?

Sir Kohran wrote:“Farewell then, Sirs. The King awaits you both at Barleyburg port.” the pageboy said, as he went back into the Castle.


Apart from the recurring "Sirs" issue, the main issue here regards continuity. This is your first post, so that isn't huge, but you have just decided to send Santis off with Jaythus without telling the reader. That's a mistake. Things need to be set out plain and simple.

On a similar note, why is King Matthias in Barleyburg? The King's castle is Morcia, and it is pretty clearly stated in one of my recent Jayko/Jayson posts that the Eastern Knights' Kingdom is a very regional type of country. Each of the provinces likes to do its own thing, and for that reason that King would generally stay in Morcia province.

This isn't something that you can't get around, but is something that you need to explain. Also, remember that Matthias is, de facto, a Moderator Non-Player Character, so be cautious in how you use him. Although nothing you have done yet suggests that there's anything for us to worry about.

Finally, on the same broad topic: wouldn't Jaythus, as an ambassador, be sent by Matthias (in Morcia) to foreign nations, either one specifically, or to several as he saw fit? This, again, I'm sure can be explained, but don't forget to do so in your upcoming posts.

Leaving a little suspense is good, but don't forget to let the reader know what is going on.

Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus was stuck staring at the Castle, but Santis was ready to go.

“C’mon, lad, let’s move!”

Turning, Jaythus gave one last look at the Castle of Morcia; at the great Castle as it loomed into the sky; at its billowing flags, at the stone walls, and at the spires of the building that had been his home for six years. There were so many memories, yet he wondered why none were saying goodbye to him. Well, this’ll have to be good enough for me. he decided. The final view of the massive fortress would have to be do.

Then he and Sir Santis were off, galloping across the vast Morcian country, to Barleyburg, where King Mathias awaited them.


A well-ended post. No new issues here that haven't been mentioned in the previous paragraphs, namely the "why is Jaythus going TO King Matthias, and why is the king in Barleyburg?" question.

Overall, a nice start and a good post. Your main issue would appear to answering the unasked questions, but I imagine you will improve with that as time goes on. Your spelling is quite good (no more errors than one would expect- we all make mistakes). Your choice of words could use a bit of tweaking, but you get your point across, and it's in serviceable condition regardless.

I pronounce the patient healthy, and able to drive a car. :D

~Michael A. Joosten - Gaming Moderator~
Last edited by Formendacil on Thu May 19, 2005 3:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby SavaTheAggie » Thu May 19, 2005 1:21 am

Alright, then, old Doc Formendacil, how fares my first post? ;)

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Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Postby The Green Knight » Thu May 19, 2005 2:53 am

Also, I am pleased to announce a new CCRP member, Anthony Sava!
Heh, I only gots one thing to say about this. 'bout intelibricks time! Yeah, I wondered if we'd find a Wanderer in Dametreos soon, after I saw your post in "Stories".

But be warned! The Roleplay can cause massive amounts of fun resulting in obsessive tale weaving and total neglect of real life.

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Let us stop for a moment and ponder the signiture...





Ok, enough of that!
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Postby Formendacil » Thu May 19, 2005 3:18 am

SavaTheAggie wrote:Alright, then, old Doc Formendacil, how fares my first post? ;)

--Anthony


Fine, healthy!

Beyond that, I cannot say. I refuse to critique Roleplayers of long standing and/or inspirational storytellers!
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Postby Formendacil » Tue May 24, 2005 3:17 am

Alright gentlemen, time to add to my expanding repetoire of characters. Presenting, from the storyline of Sir Jayko.....

Name: Marcellinus E'terriole
Age: 54
Background: E'terriole was born to a low-ranking courtier in the Yellow Castle. He joined the Imperial Cavaliers as a young man, rising through the ranks to become the commander of the Cavalier regiments posted along the Fright Knight border. He, and most of his men, managed to survive BloodVaine's brutal assault on Legoland, by fleeing into Fright Knight territory. After the war, E'terriole was promoted to Colonel-General, and as Novice-Master in charge of rebuilding the Classic armies.
Faction: Classic LEGOland
Place In Hierarchy: Captain-Colonel, Novice-Master of the Imperial Cavaliers
Equipment: Standard Cavalier equipment.
Other: E'terriole is a strict disciplinarian, and a rather forbidding character. Not someone to trifle with.
Looks: Tall, thin, with regal features, and silver hair.
Class: Minor Character
Status: Active

Name: Arthur Vitore
Age: 23
Background: A charming young man, Arthur Vitore comes from a wealthy Orion family. Following the BloodVaine war, and the death of many Imperial soldiers, including his older brother Galahad, Arthur joined the army, becoming Jayko Falconensis' roommate.
Faction: Classic LEGOland
Place In Hierarchy: Novice-Cadet, in the Imperial Cavaliers
Equipment: Standard Cadet Cavalier equipment.
Looks: Handsome, of average height, weight, and build, with black hair.
Class: Minor Character
Status: Active

Name: Harold Brakespear
Age: 72
Background: The "greatest living armoursmith", Harold Brakespear has long since been retired to an unknown location in Dametreos. While he was still active, he served the Crusader king in Port Crowne.
Faction: Crusader
Place In Hierarchy: Armour smith
Equipment: Regular blacksmith stuff...
Other: Brakespear went to great lengths to disappear after his retirement, not wanting to spend it swamped by requests for "one-time jobs". He only left his plans with the Crusader branch of the Smiths' Guild, who naturally don't send him very many customers, since they would rather have them themselves.
Looks: Average height, muscular build, a slight limp. Grey-white hair and beard.
Class: Secondary Character
Status: Active

Name: Thomas Valt
Age: 19
Background: The son of Alberic Valt and Wanda Brakespear, Thomas was raised by his grandfather, while his parents spent most of their time travelling and adventuring. Consequently, Thomas has spent little of his life outside of the small village where he lives with his grandfather.
Faction: Dark Forest
Place In Hierarchy: Villager boy
Equipment: A sword is his only weapon, the gift of his famour armsmith grandfather.
Other: Thomas is devoted to his grandfather, and does not miss his parents as much as the old man, who knew them somewhat better than he. Like many young men, he does not know what he will do with his life, although he dreams of swordfights and adventures.
Looks: An average youth, with average height, weight, and looks. Quite unremarkable.
Class: Major Character
Status: Active

Whew.... there they are. All four of them. Two should already be known from my last post. One should sound familar from Sir Dractor's recent plans. The last... well, I think the connections should be obvious.

If all goes well, I'll take pictures of them tomorrow, perhaps at the same time as Henry.
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Postby Sir Drake » Tue May 24, 2005 5:26 am

I was just wondering, now that the throne of the Wolf Pack is empty again, how will become the King of the Three Daggers?
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Postby lemon_squeezer2 » Wed May 25, 2005 7:29 pm

Awesome posts Nate and Mike...

So I guess that just about wraps it up for the Falcon plot - what a journey that has been :)

That also seems to leave the entire CCRP with nearly a dozen fragmented seperate plots. I can't wait to see what becomes of them especially with summer coming up. In regard to this, how will this factor into RP as a whole? Previously, there have never been more than a few things going on at once, and they usually were "connected". Iguess there is a first for everything...

Additionally, I will be able to do May's recap (hoo-rah!).

That's all

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Postby Sir Kohran » Wed May 25, 2005 8:37 pm

New post! Nothing important, but it does wrap up the Danner Violess attack on Talonjay, (rather nicely IMO) which was only hinted at by Michael and Nate.
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Postby Lord_Of_The_LEGO » Wed May 25, 2005 8:57 pm

Formendacil wrote:Alright gentlemen, time to add to my expanding repetoire of characters. Presenting, from the storyline of Sir Jayko.....

Whew.... there they are. All four of them. Two should already be known from my last post. One should sound familar from Sir Dractor's recent plans. The last... well, I think the connections should be obvious.

If all goes well, I'll take pictures of them tomorrow, perhaps at the same time as Henry.


Very nice! I'll get these up ASAP!

Sir Drake wrote:I was just wondering, now that the throne of the Wolf Pack is empty again, how will become the King of the Three Daggers?


Mike and I are working on that right now. :wink:

lemon_squeezer2 wrote:Awesome posts Nate and Mike...


Thanks! :)

lemon_squeezer2 wrote:So I guess that just about wraps it up for the Falcon plot - what a journey that has been


Indeed. And yes, this plot is basically done. I only have one or two more posts to write that sends the Rebels their seperate ways, and I'll be done!

lemon_squeezer2 wrote:That also seems to leave the entire CCRP with nearly a dozen fragmented seperate plots. I can't wait to see what becomes of them especially with summer coming up. In regard to this, how will this factor into RP as a whole? Previously, there have never been more than a few things going on at once, and they usually were "connected". I guess there is a first for everything...


I can only think of one other time that something similar has happened: the time right after the end of the Fell War. There were a good six different plots going on, which eventually all evolved into DragonLust, Return Of The Bulls, BloodVaine Epic, and Mike's Old Man / Sorcerer-King plot (which I have, personally, code-named "Formendacil" in the Archives until I can come up with a better name).

Nowadays, however, fragmentation seems to be the order of the month. There's the ending of the Wolfpack Civil War, Randolph's new adventures, Cynan's adventures, the entrance of the Wanderer, Aiden and Kael-Os's adventures, Jaythus and Santis's travels, Sir Dractor's new quest, Jayko's attempt to reclaim his governership, Ajaxx's mysterious plan, Lord Void's rebuilding of the Fire Breathing Fortress, Thenais's return, Theron's quest on Solitare, Bernard's and Elwen's wedding, Elbadar's travels, and the adventures of Kale.

The only real interconnected plot driven by several RPers is the Viktor/Rosa/Targon/Burtrand/Anastasia/Johnson/etc plot, which has kinda stalled right now. :?

lemon_squeezer2 wrote:Additionally, I will be able to do May's recap (hoo-rah!)


YAY! :D

Sir Kohran wrote:New post! Nothing important, but it does wrap up the Danner Violess attack on Talonjay, (rather nicely IMO) which was only hinted at by Michael and Nate.


Great post, Kohlan. I really like how it tied all those loose threads up. Plus, it opens the way for perhaps Viktor joining up with Santis some time later to kick some KK2-basher's butt! :twisted:

On a related note, I think about 20% of the BloodVaine Epic is complete! :D
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Postby lemon_squeezer2 » Wed May 25, 2005 11:18 pm

Lord_Of_The_LEGO wrote:The only real interconnected plot driven by several RPers is the Viktor/Rosa/Targon/Burtrand/Anastasia/Johnson/etc plot, which has kinda stalled right now. :?



Problem solved ;)
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Postby Formendacil » Thu May 26, 2005 3:26 am

Great posts everyone! Everything added to the Roleplay since this morning looks great. Not a boring post in there.

Thanks for the praise, lemon_sqeezer2. One does one's best.

Unfortunately, since I was off to the city today, purchasing LEGO (yeah!), I was unable to take the pics I had hoped. Here's to tomorrow....
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Postby Sir Kohran » Thu May 26, 2005 6:14 am

New character! 8) (well, not a new person, but a new bio)

Name: Sir Santis Rufusclaw
Age: 38
Background: Santis was originally the son of a farmer in Orkosan. He worked and lived on the farm with his family for many years, and his great strength was only noted. His moment came when pirates under Maris Alberato attacked his town. Santis took up a woodcutting axe and helped in the fighting, and killed an officer and two other pirates. When the governer saw the boy after the attack, it didn't take much for him to be persuaded to send Santis to the Castle of Morcia, across the channel to the mainland. From there, Santis was knighted, and went on to fight in many battles under King Mathias across Dametreos.
Faction: Eastern Knights' Kingdom
Place In Hierarchy: Senior Knight of Mathias
Equipment: KK2 sword (blue), red armour, Orkosan shield, warhammer, longbow/arrows
Other: A born soldier and a veteran of many battles, Santis will not hesitate to fight in the name of good, though he is also very kind and helpful to those he trusts. Some people do not like him for his intimidating size, but his friends know the truth and do their best to make it up to him. His only flaw is that sometimes his laid-back attitude can get him into trouble when something unexpected comes up. He is Jaythus's mentor, and an old friend of Sir Jayson, and Viktor Okzskcarouldghf, whom he often teases about his long last name.
Looks: A massive Knight, and a passionate Morcian, Santis can wield virtually any weapon he chooses, though he much prefers the tools he carries with him. He has traditional red Orkosan armour, and has glossy black hair and a beard.
Class: Secondary character
Status: Active
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Postby Lord_Of_The_LEGO » Sun May 29, 2005 5:49 am

Mike and Kohlan:

Sorry about this, but I won't be able to get your new characters uploaded until at least Monday. I've transferred to a new computer, and I forgot to transfer my old FTP uploader before wiping my old computer, so I need to download the uploader again, :evil: , which I won't be able to do until Monday.

Again, sorry for the delay. :?
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