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Un-named Castle story: Chapter one

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Un-named Castle story: Chapter one

Postby Brickule » Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:48 pm

Chapter 1
A strange occurrence

The sound of steel striking rock echoed through the mines, the shock of a batch of TNT rumbled through the ground. “Great day to rummage for precious metals, Huh!” Yelled, Josef Steelarm.
“Hmm, perhaps. But we havn’t found as much as a gold nugget in three minutes.” Replied Beyorn Steelarm. They were working to connect a small tunnel to the main chamber that runs for several miles to the entrance of the mines, and collect valuable minerals along the way. Josef and Beyorn came from a long family of miners, in which the members all have very strong arms, which explains the family name.
“Well, I heard that the…” Josef stopped to pick up a small ruby that toppled into the ruble from a crack in the rock wall. “The goblins are a gathering with the Orks to try and raid the Ninjas outpost in the wet lands.” He sighed as he shoved a fifty pound rock out of the way.
“Yep, those green skinned goons are always trying to drive the ninjas out of the swamps.” Beyorn said as he pulled a sled closer to them.
Josef put his ear to the stone wall and taped it lightly with his pick axe. “Well that should do it; you want to do the honors?”
“Nah, you go ahead I’ll just watch.” Said Beyorn, he stepped back a few paces to give his brother some room.
Josef slowly pulled his pick back, then in one great swing he plowed through the rock making a hole big enough for someone to mistake it for damage from a cannon shot. In a few more strikes the rest of the wall was a pile of ruble on the ground. “Alright, the carpenters should be along in a few hours to reinforce it, what say we go get some chow?” he said as he set his tool over his shoulder. They walked out into the center of the main chamber where a steam cart rail system ran trough the entire length of the mines. There they waited for the next train to arrive, when it did they loaded up their gems and other stuff onto one of the carts, hoped onto the flat bed cart and the driver released the brakes and the train of carts began towards the entrance of the mine.

After cashing in their gems and such, they went to one of the many taverns in the Great Hall.

“Digging out fifteen yards in two and a half hours sure makes you hungry” said Beyorn, as he stuffed a sweet roll into his mouth.
“Mhmm” mumbled Josef as he took a big gulp of Good Dwarven Ale.
“Well, after were don eating how bout we help them down in the new tunnel off the northwest refinery?” said Beyorn.
“Ok, I here they found some new kind of crystal that glows.” Replied Josef
“Oh yea, I heard of that, there using them in the kings hall instead of candles.” added Beyorn.
“Our cousin, who works as an assistant to an engineer, says that they may be able to power some machines with the crystals.” Continued Josef.
“That’s interesting” said Beyorn, he leaned back and turned to the cook. “Hey can I have another Steak?”

When they were done eating they went back to the mines and got on a cart train.

The train passed thru another tunnel; and entered the North-west refinery. When it came to a stop, they got off the flat bed car, and walked over to the Refinery Chief.
“Sure, we can use some help over in the tunnel to the left.” Said the chief.
“RUN, SAVE YOUR BEARDS!” yelled a miner coming out of the tunnel to the right, He ran past a miner and a guard who were just standing by the entrance of the tunnel. “ROCK MONSTER!” he yelled. The two miners started running away from the tunnel, but the slower one wasn’t fast enough, a rock monster came out of the tunnel and grabbed the guard and tossed him across the cavern.
Josef grabbed a stick of TNT and tried to light it but his matches wouldn’t start. The Rock monster was half way across the refinery when Josef was finally able to light it, he threw it at the rock monster and a few seconds latter it exploded and the rock monster fell into a pile of rubble. “That was unusual; they don’t normally come that close to the main chamber.” Said the Chief.
“Go get an apothecary!” yelled Beyorn who was standing beside the guard “He’s hurt to badly to move.” Josef got onto the train and the operator released the brakes.

Josef and the apothecary were half way to the North-West refinery when they had to stop because something had destroyed the tracks “how fast can we fix it?” asked the apothecary.
“Just a temporary fix would take about a half hour.” Said the driver. “But the rails are so bent out of shape that we might as well go get new ones.”
“You two fix the tracks, I’ll go on ahead and se if I can do any thing to help the miner.” Ordered the apothecary, he hoped of the cart and headed to the North-West refinery.
“We can take some rails from a few yards back, move them up here, and then on the way back we put them back where they were.” Suggested Josef.
“Wow, that is a good idea, I never would have thought of it.” Said the driver. They grabbed some tools and walked back about ten yards and began unscrewing the rails.

The apothecary was walking in an empty tunnel whistling an old tune, when he heard a strange noise behind him he stopped and turned, not seeing anything he started walking again. A few feet latter he came into a cavern and it was strangely empty, shovels and picks just lying around on the ground, sleds filled with gems and gold, lying around without any one watching them. Then he heard the noise again this time much clearer, it sounded like breathing but it was strange and… The apothecary recognized the sound of a goblin breathing, he grabbed a bronze axe that was lying on a rock and ran to the center of the cavern. A few long silent seconds latter a couple of goblins came out of the tunnel he was just in. One had a bow; the other had a large crude sword. The green skinned creatures started to walk towards the dwarf. The apothecary raised his axe to where the goblins could see it. The goblin with the bow stopped walking and stringed an arrow, aimed at the dwarf and didn’t fire. The goblin with the sword walked over to the dwarf and hit him with the flat part of his sword, the apothecary swung at the goblin and hit it in the helmet, the goblin fell over backwards and the dwarf sent a killing blow to the mid section of the goblins torso. Right when he did the other goblin released it’s arrow.


I plan to make this into a Brickfilm.
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Brickule
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Postby Prince Imdol » Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:01 pm

Before I say anything, really, don't put up a pole asking people if they like it or not. It will only lead to trouble.

Your writing is nice, but I think you could expand this a lot more. It does not flow enough, and I think you could take a couple sentences, and turn those into pages. Try to use more description, of which there are different kinds:

Vivid verbs are the best I would think.
Ad-verbs are nice, just as long as they are not 'really' and 'very'.
'Showing' us, instead of telling is a great saying to run through your head once in a while.

You have a good start, just refine it a little. Also, read through a grammar site, just to learn how to use quote correctly. I think you are misunderstanding the use, just a little.


P.I
Thomas C.
"Sow a thought, reap an action;
Sow an action, reap a habit.
Sow a habit, reap a character.
Sow a character, reap a destiny"

"Don't let school interfere with your education."-Huckleberry Finn
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Postby WARork » Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:15 pm

start sounded nice... im so lazy i readed only small part..
im sure 99% likes it
Umm, later. http://www.brickshelf.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?m=WARork it's it's.. full of junk!:D

''mah orcs are owks!''
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