The Tale of Venolia - Chapter 1 - (Stranded!)

Discussion of Castle Themed stories
User avatar
Cyclonis
Bailiff
Posts: 300
Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:08 am
Location: Cyclopia
Contact:

The Tale of Venolia - Chapter 1 - (Stranded!)

Post by Cyclonis »

Hello,

You may have read the prologue of my story, in order to get up to pace with the story. Well, chapter 1 is now up for public viewing. The second half of it was originally going to be chapter 2, but then i realised that they would be too short. I still haven't taken photos for the second half, so it may seem a bit boring to you, but please just continue reading and tell me what you think.

Also, I've updated the pic at the front page of my website, check it out!

http://jollybrick.cjb.net/

Click on 'The Tale' then 'Chapter 1' to see the story, or start at the Prologue first, if you haven't seen it already.

Tell me what you think of it.

-Cyclonis
User avatar
TheOrk
Master
Posts: 1755
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2004 12:39 am
Location: Canada

Post by TheOrk »

Awsome story Cyclonis!

It's great to see another new LEGO castle story pop up. This one looks pretty good so far. It has a decent amount of pictures andthe font and layout is good. Keep up the good work!

By the Way, I've added this to the Ultimate Stories List. :wink:
Avatar by Graynar
User avatar
venvorskar
Bailiff
Posts: 315
Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 12:00 am
Location: A small hut in the Black Forest
Contact:

Post by venvorskar »

Very interesting story! I can't wait for more.
User avatar
The Hordesman
Merchant
Posts: 1266
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 7:03 am
Location: Pillowland
Contact:

Post by The Hordesman »

Isnt he rodding the boat in the wrong way?
Also, is it safe sending out small boats instead of big galleys or galleons?
What if pirates or a storm came?

Just wondering, sorry if I sound too critic.

The pictures are great, but I really need to know how he does it before reading on.
[url=http://s14.invisionfree.com/brick_central/index.php?act=idx]Brick Central[/url]
[url=http://s13.invisionfree.com/Castle_World.php?act=idx]Castle World, for your Lego castle stories![/url]
User avatar
Lord_Of_The_LEGO
Earl of Wells
Posts: 2954
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2003 6:20 pm
Location: Eureka, CA
Contact:

Post by Lord_Of_The_LEGO »

A good story so far. I have a couple suggestions. First, there needs to be better contrast between your text and your background. Brown or green text on a tan background is hard to read. I suggest going with black on tan, or ideally, good old-fashioned black text on a white background. Secondly, large blocks of text in italic is quite hard to read. In fact, any type of stylized text (bold, italtic, CAPS) in large blocks of text is hard to read.

I, too, am curious on how they survived in a rowboat for a month while rowing it backwards. :lol:

However, I really like the graphics, especially the first one of the boat on the ocean.

Looking forward to seeing more!
In the process of converting to [url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/nathanwells/]Flickr[/url].
User avatar
Cyclonis
Bailiff
Posts: 300
Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:08 am
Location: Cyclopia
Contact:

Post by Cyclonis »

Thanks for the comments.
What do you mean hes rowing it backwards? no he isn't (i dont think) :?
Is the writing that hard to read? Hmm, the people at C-W thought it was fine, but in my next update, I'll try to have a look at it in normal style and i'll see if it looks alright.

Gimme a break on the boat critisism, I'm only 14 :lol:

Anyway thanks for the comments.
-Cyclonis
User avatar
Lord_Of_The_LEGO
Earl of Wells
Posts: 2954
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2003 6:20 pm
Location: Eureka, CA
Contact:

Post by Lord_Of_The_LEGO »

Cyclonis wrote:Thanks for the comments.
What do you mean hes rowing it backwards? no he isn't (i dont think) :?
He is if he wants that pointy end to go forward. ;) See these pics (from Google):

http://www.lancs.ac.uk/users/chap_cen/i ... 20boat.jpg
http://www.btp.police.uk/History%20Soci ... 20Pic).jpg
http://www.waveneyrivercentre.co.uk/images/row-boat.jpg

Cyclonis wrote:Is the writing that hard to read? Hmm, the people at C-W thought it was fine, but in my next update, I'll try to have a look at it in normal style and i'll see if it looks alright.
Thanks.
In the process of converting to [url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/nathanwells/]Flickr[/url].
User avatar
Maedhros
Knight Templar
Knight Templar
Posts: 1885
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2005 8:22 pm
Location: The dark forests of Sweden
Contact:

Post by Maedhros »

Cyclonis wrote:Is the writing that hard to read? Hmm, the people at C-W thought it was fine
It´s because we are geeky enough to just read under any circumstances :lol:
"Hinc satis elucet maiorem habere uim ad discenda ista liberam curiositatem quam meticulosam necessitatem.”
- Augustinus Hipponensis
User avatar
Cyclonis
Bailiff
Posts: 300
Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:08 am
Location: Cyclopia
Contact:

Post by Cyclonis »

Oh, I made it so that Kayfir would have to drag in the handle of the oars above water then splash them in the water, then he'd have to push fowards on the oars in water, in order to row the boat.

Hold on, if that didn't make sense, then don't worry. The way that I see it, he's rowing it fine, its just that people normally face the other direction and then row in the opposite direction as to what Kayfir is doing in the pics.

I've been writing Chapter 2 of the story in Microsoft word lately, it's going really great. Its heaps long, though, so I might have to break them up into two chapters.
It´s because we are geeky enough to just read under any circumstances
haha. Hey, what's happening with C-W anyway, lately? I can't get to the forum.

-Cyclonis
User avatar
Lord_Of_The_LEGO
Earl of Wells
Posts: 2954
Joined: Thu Oct 23, 2003 6:20 pm
Location: Eureka, CA
Contact:

Post by Lord_Of_The_LEGO »

Cyclonis wrote:Oh, I made it so that Kayfir would have to drag in the handle of the oars above water then splash them in the water, then he'd have to push fowards on the oars in water, in order to row the boat.
:?

You've never rowed a boat, have you? :lol:

Anyway, I'm looking forward to Chapter 2.
In the process of converting to [url=http://www.flickr.com/photos/nathanwells/]Flickr[/url].
User avatar
Cyclonis
Bailiff
Posts: 300
Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2005 6:08 am
Location: Cyclopia
Contact:

Post by Cyclonis »

Hehe, no. No I haven't. (I'm only 14, so gimme a break) :lol:

Anyway thanks. I finished chapter 2. It wont be up anytime soon, though. I need less heat in order for me to take perfect photos. Perfection takes time, my friend.
User avatar
The Hordesman
Merchant
Posts: 1266
Joined: Thu May 05, 2005 7:03 am
Location: Pillowland
Contact:

Post by The Hordesman »

Cyclonis wrote:Hehe, no. No I haven't. (I'm only 14, so gimme a break) :lol:
14? Wow, that is what I call a boatless life! :D

Seriously, I think you need to fix the boat concerns, it kind of bugs me~~
First time knowing I was in a boat: 5yrs
Last edited by The Hordesman on Sun Dec 25, 2005 5:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
[url=http://s14.invisionfree.com/brick_central/index.php?act=idx]Brick Central[/url]
[url=http://s13.invisionfree.com/Castle_World.php?act=idx]Castle World, for your Lego castle stories![/url]
User avatar
Maedhros
Knight Templar
Knight Templar
Posts: 1885
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2005 8:22 pm
Location: The dark forests of Sweden
Contact:

Post by Maedhros »

Cyclonis wrote:
It´s because we are geeky enough to just read under any circumstances
haha. Hey, what's happening with C-W anyway, lately? I can't get to the forum.
Probably (hopefully!) a temporary problem... according to our almighty admin it will soon be up again...

Sorry for hijacking this thread...
"Hinc satis elucet maiorem habere uim ad discenda ista liberam curiositatem quam meticulosam necessitatem.”
- Augustinus Hipponensis
User avatar
Sir Kohran
Sheriff
Posts: 1568
Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2004 7:24 am

Post by Sir Kohran »

Cyclonis wrote:Hehe, no. No I haven't. (I'm only 14, so gimme a break) :lol:
There is nothing -- absolutely NOTHING -- half so much
worth doing as simply messing-about in boats.
- Kenneth Grahame, 'The Wind in the Willows'

Anyhow, a good story. I like your imaging; even if it is a bit uneven at times, it is of good quality. I also like the use of the Ninja armour, and the faces you use work well, considering that the expressions are fixed. I also liked the blurred shot of the giant fish underwater.

One thing though...
In the characters page, Cyclonis wrote:He was never told about his mother, but he has one photo of her, next to Steven. He keeps this photo close to his heart.
ANACHRONISM! Photography didn't exist in medeival times! :P

(though I understand it's a fantasy story)
User avatar
ottoatm
Knight Templar
Knight Templar
Posts: 3013
Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 4:52 am
Location: New York
Contact:

Post by ottoatm »

I liked this first chapter when I saw it on CW and I was really glad to see venolia take off.

Hmm... in terms of the boat and the text... they are both good points, although I figured with the people living in the boat for so long, they can't always be rowing, and in fact might be quite uncomforatable in the same position. Actually I was wondering why they didn't throw their armor and what-not into the ocean! :-P

I can see Nathan's point about the text - I hadn't thought about that - maybe I need to stop reading so many stories online these days. But part of CW's purpose is to spot these potential pitfalls, so I guess that although I didn't mind it, I probally should have spotted it and pointed it out. ;-)

I also like how your story takes time to talk about the characters... that is good.

EDIT>> CW is not dead... although it does seem to be slumbering quite heavily. I posted in publishing to describe what is going on these days.
Knight Templar
n. pl. Knights Templars or Knights Templar
1.A member of an order of knights founded about 1118 to protect pilgrims in the Holy Land during the Second Crusade.

[url=http://legelot.50webs.com/mainPages/myStory.html]My Lego Stories: The Land of Legelot![/url]
[url=http://z13.invisionfree.com/Castle_World]CW-THE Lego Story Writer's Guild[/url]
Post Reply