Okay, Dr. Formendacil's post clinic is open for the day. First patient, please...
Sir Kohran wrote:First post!
N-15
Location: Castle of Morcia gates
Excellent start, you have the grid and location present. I assume that you've cross-checked with Sir Dillon's posts to ensure that Morcia is in the same location as before?
*Doublechecks* All clear!
Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus Van Hawkonus took a deep breath, as he took his first footstep outside of the Castle of Morcia in a full six years. Under the Castle’s shadow, beneath his boot, he felt a firm stone pathway, with some bold grass blades jutting out from beneath the cracks.
Is Jaythus a knight? As far as know, you have given no indication that he is. From what you have written, he would appear not to be. If that is the case, all is well. If he is SUPPOSED to be a knight (and being an ambassador and the son of a knight, it might be expected), then you should make that clear from the outset.
Now, about the logic of not having seen grass in six years, I wonder about that. Are you saying that he never ONCE stepped outside the castle gates? That there is absolutely NO grass in the castle? Either you should explain that there is no grass in Morcia castle, and that the people there are kept like slaves so that they can never leave, or else modify your wording here.
Sir Kohran wrote:He stopped, wondering for a second, when the last time he had seen grass was. He concluded it must have been when he last looked out of the windows, but then he quickly dismissed the thought. Still, it hung in his head, prompting him to think, Has it really been this long? Surely, I can't have forgotten what grass is. he thought to himself. It's about time I got out of this place... he continued. He placed a mailed hand on the stone Castle wall beside him, though he was not sure why. He thought back to the days when he was just a young boy, running and playing in the fields of Alendan with his sister and friends, under the supervision of his watchful father, where there was only greenery to be seen, with vast forests decorating snow-capped mountains. Then he had been sent to
The whole paragraph is backstory, which is fine, and a discussion of grass, which is intricately tied to the previous paragraph. It stands on its own well enough, and there's not much to criticise with that.
The end of the paragraph, however, is where Jaythus' thoughts break off. You should have end with either a dask ( - ), or else three periods ( ... ), to signify that his thoughts are trailing off or being interrupted.
Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus was jolted out of his dream world by a stable boy bringing up a dull white horse from the shadows of the gates. But it was who that was with that startled Jaythus more.
I wonder if "dream world" is necessary. "Dream" alone might do just as well. It's more tight that way (although that's more of a personal preference than anything major).
The final sentence here is also a little awkward. Perhaps you're missing a word.
*Checks*
No, it would appear to be too many pronouns or something. I'll rewrite it.
But the man who was with the horse startled Jayko even more.
I hope it's relatively clear from the rewrite what I am talking about. In your sentence, it is somewhat convoluted. As a general rule, if the sentence seems impossible to say out loud, it's hard to understand written. Also, in your writing, it says that the man with the horse startled Jaythus even more, but this has never been led up to. Hence, your use of the word "but" is awkward.
Sir Kohran wrote:A hulking giant of a man came striding out, ducking his head under the archway of the gates as he came out. The knight was not handsome, but had a bearded face with glossy black hair. He was clad in fierce red armour, with a massive blue sword and a red tower shield (embossed with a roaring bear) slung across his back. His voice was deep and hearty as he greeted Jaythus.
A good paragraph, nicely descriptive. Not really anything to say. It gives us an immediate idea of Santis' character.
Sir Kohran wrote:"Well well, Jaythus Van Hawkonus, haven't you grown, going from a little pageboy to Ambassador Of The Eastern Knights' Kingdom, clad in full Talonjay armour, with the sword of the King!"
Apart from saying that there ought to be a comma between the two "well"s, the only thing I have to say concerns "the sword of the King". I assume that this just means that Jaythus now has a certain rank in the king's service, not that he actually has the actual king's sword. All the same, it is a bit confusing, and should possibly be cleared up.
Sir Kohran wrote:"Um, hello, Sir Rufusclaw!" Jaythus stammered, as the huge knight towered over him. Giving a big chuckle, the Knight answered.
“Here, lad, call me Santis. I can’t stand all those courtiers calling me Rufusclaw. It gets on my nerves.”
This paragraph works fine. No problems. It might be a bit confusing to have Santis and Rufusclaw for the same fellow. Perhaps it would be possible to work "Sir Santis Rufusclaw", or whatever the proper form is, in somewhere.
Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus tried not to think about those who got on Santis’s nerves.
The pageboy spoke up.
“Here, Sirs, are your horses.”
Just a slight quibble about the use of "Sirs" here. Is Jaythus a knight? Once again, this becomes a slight issue. If Jaythus IS a knight, then the capitalized Sirs, indicating two knights, is correct. If he is not a knight, then it should be "sirs", since the pageboy is merely referring to two men above his station.
Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus’s horse was the dull white one, whilst Santis’s was a huge specimen of horses; a gigantic brown steed with a shaggy mane. Santis mounted his horse easily. Jaythus followed, but his was certainly harder to mount. Here I am, leaving my home forever, and I can’t even mount my own horse…
"huge specimen of horses" should be "a huge specimen of a horse". Also, you don't say WHY Jayko's horse is harder to mount. Is he less experienced than Santis? Is his horse more skittish? Or what?
Sir Kohran wrote:“Farewell then, Sirs. The King awaits you both at Barleyburg port.” the pageboy said, as he went back into the Castle.
Apart from the recurring "Sirs" issue, the main issue here regards continuity. This is your first post, so that isn't huge, but you have just decided to send Santis off with Jaythus without telling the reader. That's a mistake. Things need to be set out plain and simple.
On a similar note, why is King Matthias in Barleyburg? The King's castle is Morcia, and it is pretty clearly stated in one of my recent Jayko/Jayson posts that the Eastern Knights' Kingdom is a very regional type of country. Each of the provinces likes to do its own thing, and for that reason that King would generally stay in Morcia province.
This isn't something that you can't get around, but is something that you need to explain. Also, remember that Matthias is, de facto, a Moderator Non-Player Character, so be cautious in how you use him. Although nothing you have done yet suggests that there's anything for us to worry about.
Finally, on the same broad topic: wouldn't Jaythus, as an ambassador, be sent by Matthias (in Morcia) to
foreign nations, either one specifically, or to several as he saw fit? This, again, I'm sure can be explained, but don't forget to do so in your upcoming posts.
Leaving a little suspense is good, but don't forget to let the reader know what is going on.
Sir Kohran wrote:Jaythus was stuck staring at the Castle, but Santis was ready to go.
“C’mon, lad, let’s move!”
Turning, Jaythus gave one last look at the Castle of Morcia; at the great Castle as it loomed into the sky; at its billowing flags, at the stone walls, and at the spires of the building that had been his home for six years. There were so many memories, yet he wondered why none were saying goodbye to him. Well, this’ll have to be good enough for me. he decided. The final view of the massive fortress would have to be do.
Then he and Sir Santis were off, galloping across the vast Morcian country, to Barleyburg, where King Mathias awaited them.
A well-ended post. No new issues here that haven't been mentioned in the previous paragraphs, namely the "why is Jaythus going TO King Matthias, and why is the king in Barleyburg?" question.
Overall, a nice start and a good post. Your main issue would appear to answering the unasked questions, but I imagine you will improve with that as time goes on. Your spelling is quite good (no more errors than one would expect- we all make mistakes). Your choice of words could use a bit of tweaking, but you get your point across, and it's in serviceable condition regardless.
I pronounce the patient healthy, and able to drive a car.
~Michael A. Joosten - Gaming Moderator~
(well, not a new person, but a new bio)
